Things that I cant tell ppl I know

I have SOOO many secrets….more then I could count on one hand…There are things that I don’t even want to tell my best friends…actually there are alot of things that I don’t want to tell them…And if I can’t tell them who can I tell right? I can’t tell my family thats for sure. I used to go to church and talk to God about it since he knows about all this anyways but I didn’t want my mom to know so I can’t go now that it’s summer. So I don’t know what to do…I WANT somebody in my life to KNOW me…but I’m too scared on how they would react if I told them everything…I don’t want them to distance themselves because they can’t handle what I have to say…and I also don’t want them getting mad because I”ve been keeping these secrets from them..I haven’t been on this site in FOREVER and the only reason I”m on now is because I have no idea what to do about this…I want to tell one of my best friends because she’s done some of the things that I need to tell her…Like the cutting and she’s very emotional like I am…but SINCE she’s so emotional she would be the one that would get mad at me! I feel so alone and people have no idea! I feel like I’m always upset about something…even when there’s nothing to be upset about…I kind of think I might be in a depression…Because even when I’m laughing and talking like nothing wrong…there’s something there that makes me feel sad. I can’t tell anybody this either because I don’t want people saying “Oh you need to go see somebody about this or anything.” That’s the LAST thing I need. So instead I just keep my little “oh im so happy” face on and act like nothings wrong…I think this might be my downfall one day…I think that maybe one day I’ll need to talk to somebody so bad but I won’t and then something bad will happen…Idk anymore…Life is just blowing up in my face…It feels like everything is closing in on me…I just hope that I”ll be able to get out of this mess and be able to be REALLY happy and not just fake it….

Needed to get this out

My mom was hospitalized. Supposedly she’s fine now but she doesn’t believe it and I honestly don’t either. She’s always had a little opening in her scull which caused her to have seizures but she now takes medication and it prevents them…She thought she was having a stroke so she went to the doctor and was hospitalized. It turns out it wasn’t a stoke but the doctor said she was fine besides the opening. She went to a neurologist for a second opinion and he sucked…She’s going for a third opinion on thursday and im scared to death. She’s thinking they might tell her she’ll need to have brain surgery. She WANTS to have it but she doesn’t realize how risky brain surgery is. I have to keep this all in because I don’t want her to know that I’m worried. I don’t even talk to my friends about it bcause I don’t want them to get all weird on me. The only thing they can say is “Oh” so I figure why say anything. I’m so scared that something will happen to her because if something happens to her idk what I would do. On top of that my supposed “bff” isn’t really there. It seems that we are drifting even though she says we aren’t. She became best friends with my ex boyfriend which is shitty of her I know. But I keep that bottled up too. I don’t want to fight with her so I keep it in. I have my other 2 best friends but I don’t want to tell them either. This is really the only place I can go and talk about stuff because I don’t know the people that will read this. The whole reason why this stuff started is because my mom had high blood pressure so that’s why she thought she was having a stroke. They said it was because she’s a teacher and has to keep all of her anger in. I’m not a teacher and I”m only 16 and I’m already keeping things in. It worries me that one day I’ll start having problems like that because I can never let my stuff out. Usually I let it out by crying but I won’t let myself do that anymore. When my mom was first hospitalized I had to keep in the tears and be strong for my sisters because I didn’t want them to know how worried I was. Ever since then I don’t want to cry anymore because I feel like I have to stay strong. I want to be able to tell people how I”m feeling but it just ends badly when that happens. So I go on like I’m so happy but if only they knew…I’m hurt that I feel like I’m drifting from my best friend and that she became best friends with my ex. I’m so worried about my mom that I can’t hardly think of anything else. School is totally stressing me out but it keeps my mind off of stuff. If only I could say that to somebody instead of having to say it on the computer. I used to be so good at blocking it out but I just can’t. Not after all this happened to my mom. Hopefully I won’t have to come back on here for a while. Have a good day everybody =)

Only lasted 2 months and 5 days

Soo…me and my bf broke up friday night…It all started when we got on the bus. My friend told me to sit in front of her so I did but my bf was sitting farther back. I told him to come and sit by me because for the past 2 weeks I haven’t sat with him for reasons that I can’t even remember. Anyways, one thing you need to know is that he’s very moody. He gets into really bad moods for no reason. I guess what brought this one on was the fact that I sat in front of my friend instead of going straight to him. So I told him to come sit by me and he said no so I said ok you always tell me I never sit by you but know I am and now you say no? And he just looked down so I sat down and started talking to my friend. Little while later he text me and said “I think we should break up.” I said O really? He goes yeah we’re not communicating. I was like wow what brought this on all of a sudden or have you been thinking about this. He goes yeah I’ve been thinking about it. So all that blah blah blah. (Btw we were on our way to a football game thats why we were on the bus.) So we text all the way up there pretty much and HONESTLY I’ve been thinking about it because I can’t deal with those moods. I’ve finally gotten happy again and I don’t need somebody bringing me down. Plus he’s already told me he loved me and I”m not sure if it’s going to develop that far…Anyway so eventually he goes I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that blah blah blah. Well after he said that I say you know what it’s just going to be weird after this so we should break up. He started saying no I’m sorry I was stupid I shouldn’t have said that I won’t do it again give me another chance and all that. He said he didn’t want to do it this way and that he wanted to talk face to face. I said I don’t want to do that because it’ll be too hard and it’s just going to make things worse. He said no it won’t and that he just wants to explain himself. I said ok. 3rd quarter came and I avoided him. He said he wanted to talk on the bus and I said ok. My friend didn’t wnat me to be with him because of his bad moods and she knows that it bring me down so she’s been wanting us to break up for a while. She didn’t want me to talk with him on the bus but I knew I had to. I neede closure and we needed to talk this out. He came and sat by me and she went CRAZY. She called my other friend and started saying omg I can’t believe that she did that and making it so obvious. She tried to make it seem like she wasn’t talking about me but everybody knew she was. He started saying that he was sorry and give him another chance and he’ll never do it again and he was just in a bad mood and stressed and this and that. My family has a thing for saying that it’s over and not sticking to it and I’ve always said I wouldn’t be like that and since I’ve already been thinking about breaking it off I kinda wanted it to happen. I said no it’s going to be weird and I don’t want to be walking on egg shells with you making sure that you don’t threaten to break up with me it shouldn’t be that way. He said he knows and that he doesn’t deserve me and all that. Eventually he tried to grab my hand and I pulled it away. I’ll always remember that look on his face. He looked so sad and it broke my heart to know that I”m the one who made him feel that way. A few days ago he took one of my rings and said that he was going to wear it. I said ok and he wore it. Well he took my hand again and slipped it back on my finger, said he loved me and moved to another seat. That was it right there. I almost busted out in tears. I had to keep it in because I don’t cry in front of people. My friend that didn’t want me to be with him tapped my shoulder and asked if I was ok. It took everything in me to not bust out in tears. I shook my head yes. She told me to look at her and I just couldn’t. I was so close to tears. She left me alone after that. I was quiet the rest of the ride home. People were trying to talk to me but I was in a daze I couldn’t listen and I couldn’t respond. I felt so guilty for doing that. Before we talked face to face I was fine. I thought I wasn’t even going to be sad. After the face to face I felt horrible. I felt so guilty. That night I cried myself to sleep. I usually wake up in the middle of the night so everytime I did I thought what happened was a dream…it wasn’t. I never thought we would break up that way. I knew we wouldn’t be together forever but I didn’t know it would end like that. The next morning my sisters had soccer games and I didn’t go because I wanted to “sleep”. I just wanted to cry in peace without people walking in. I woke up and the first thing I did was cry. I cried all morning off and on. Later I cried because I missed him. I started thinking that I made a huge mistake and that I shouldn’t have broken it off. I text my best friend and told her. I asked her if that means that I made a mistake. She said even if you broke up a year from now you would still miss him. Either way you’re going to miss him. That was the best advice she had ever given me. We decided to be friends. We tried talking normally. It’s just so hard to not be the way it was. Having to be friends is just weird. I don’t even remember how to be friends with him. We started talking normally. It didn’t work out so well. The last thing he siad before he went was my hearts beating fast and I can’t stop the tears from coming so I’ll just talk to you later. That broke my heart and I cried some more. I haven’t cried this much in I don’t know how long. I miss him and part of me wants to get back with him but then it’s like what’s the point when it won’t even last that long. I was the girl of his dreams and I broke his heart. This is so hard I never knew that it would be this hard. This sucks. So thats my story my long long long story. Now I’m probably going to go cry some more. Have a good day =)

This is so retarded

I haven’t posted anything in FOREVER sooo here it goes….I haven’t posted because between school and band and homework I never have time to do anything anymore so it sucks. It’s awesome to be busy because I have no time to be mad or anything. I have no reason to be mad actually. I feel like me and my bff MIGHT be drifting sometimes but other times it feels normal so I’m not sure….My BOYFRIEND (yes we go out now) are doing great and I’m probably jinxing it by putting that because everytime I say things are going smooth they get turned about….I have a bad feeling that this progress report is going to suck so that’s bad…that’s it I can’t think of anything else bye!

Last night was so awesome!!

Soooooo last night we had a football game! It was like the awesomest game I’d seen us play in a while. We were sooooooo close to winning that we even went into overtime!! But then we wind up losing but that’s really good because they were like top in the state so the other games we should win! BUT then on the bus ride home was the awesomestest part of the night!! Me and the guy that I’m talking to sat together and he kept trying to get me to hold his hand lol but I was waiting for him to actually GRAB it and then he diddddd and it was sooooooooo cute!!!!! But the I was like give me the other one so then we held hands that way instead lol. And then we had them like in between us but then he brought out hands up into his lap and I was like awww I mean this is the first guy I’ve ever held hands with you know so it was a big moment. He was also trying to kiss me because he kept looking at me and putting his face down to mine but since we don’t even go out yet I didn’t do anything about it. PLUS I don’t wanna seem fast but yeah it was just awesome!! So yeah that’s my good news! I think this year is going to be the best one yet!

IM SO PISSED!!!

I JUST WANT TO TAKE THE FREAKIN CAMERA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG!!!!!!WHAT IS THE BIG FREAKIN DEAL!!!!!!!BUT NOOOOOO YOU DON’T NEED IT!!!!!!YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONNA FREAKIN BE THERE CUZ OF THE GIRLS STUPID SOCCER THING!HA WHO’S THE IMPORTANT CHILD IN THIS FAMILY RIGHT. I MEAN OMG YOU DON’T EVEN NEED IT TODAY ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!UGHHHH YOU FREAKIN SUCK! IVE WATCHED YOU STUPID KIDS FOR THE PAST 2 WEEKS AND WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN IN RETURN???NOTHING BUT YOU BITCHIN AT ME ALL FREAKIN DAY! ONE LITTLE FAVOR THAT I WANT AND I CAN’T EVEN FREAKIN GET IT!!!UGH IM SO PISSED AND EVEN TYPIN ALL THIS OUT ISNT MAKING ME FEEL BETTER!!!!!!JUST WHY THE HELL CAN’T I HAVE THE FREAKIN CAMERA I MEAN IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT MINE BROKE!!IT’S YALLS FAULT FOR BUYING ME A SHITTY ASS CAMERA THAT TAKES CRAPPY PICTURES!!UGH WHEN I SELL THIS GUITAR IM JUST GONNA GO BUY MY OWN BUT IDK WHEN THE GUYS GOING TO GET THE MONEY!!!!!!UGHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANNA SCREAM!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!k I’m done…even though I’m still pissed

Update…haven’t posted anything in a long while

Hey everybody! I haven’t posted anything in forever…but guess why???BECAUSE THINGS HAVE BEEN GOING PRETTY GOOD!! God pleaseeeeee don’t let me jinx it for saying that…Anyways I’ve been able to keep my cool about alot of things so no fights lately! YAY!!!!!!!Andddd school is coming up yay!!…k not really lol. I’m really excited though because I have alot of friends in all of my new classes so that’s really awesome! Andddd O yeah guess who’s talking to someone!!YUP YOU GUESSED IT ME! Idk if I posted anything about it but me and one of my best guy friends have started talking. I figured out that after not talking to him for a few days that I think maybe deep down I liked him…or maybe I missed talking to him. I’m not sure but anyways he wind up making me tell him because he was picking on me saying that I never like anybody because I’m so picky so I said ha well I think I like somebody now. So eventually he got it out of me. He said he knew that it was him because he read it on a survey or something like that. So yeah but I told him I want to take it slow …”I don’t want to leap before I look”. lol so we’re going to take it slow and I told him that I want to make sure that I like him and it’ll work out before we start GOING out. And he’s totally cool with that. He’s a really sweet guy and he’s NOT a player because he’s BEEN played and he’s all about honesty and stuff and he’s pretty much like my perfect guy but I just hope that in the end I don’t wind up thinking of him as just a friend because I think that’ll hurt him…idk I just really hope that everything turns out the way I want it to! So just wish me luck and I’ll give ya’ll an update in about another week or 2 lol…if things keep going the way they are now anywaz…=)

I lost my cool…

Today has already been rough and it’s early…This morning my mom and cousin went to this place to get beef jerky and I wasn’t invited so it just made me feel worse then I already did. I’ve been feeling bad for the past 2 days. I feel like I’m not wanted anywhere. Idk if I’m just making this up in my head or if it’s true. Anyway…I finally just lost it. My sister was talking about how my dog was stupid and I hit her on the back of the head 3 times and then I grabbed her arms and then I finally realized what I was doing. I felt like I could’ve threw her against the wall. She started crying because I hurt her feelings and I just felt so bad. Like right now I”m crying because I feel so bad right now. Idk what my problem is. It just feels like everything is crashing down on my head…

Are you kidding me??

Well my bff went to go see a play that the stalker guy was in right? Well I was like ok because I really didn’t care because I didn’t think anything was going to happen…but something did… He went up there and sat with her after the play and she said that she knew he was going to try something so she kept her head down. THEN HE KISSED HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THE FREAKIN GUY KISSED HER!!!!!!!!!HE’S ONLY KNOWN HER FOR A FREAKIN WEEK AND 1/2!!!!!!!! I mean jeez appearantly he doesn’t know her too well because she’s NOT that kind of girl!!! She said yes she likes him a little bit but she was NOT ready for that. SHe said that she was in shock so she “doesn’t know how long it lasted.” I have a hard time believing that one but ok. I mean yes I get if you like him ALOT it would be ok but she didn’t and he doesn’t even know her!! This was the first time he even saw her in person!!! Then he was getting mad because she pushed him away and kept pushing him away. He text her and asked her if she was ok and if they were still together!!! SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY WENT OUT!!! With her stupid self she said I’m fine and that’s it!!! She was like “My cat was the last one I kissed before he died and I wanted to keep it that way for a while.” Well that just pissed me off more because he ruined that!! She wasn’t even mad about it though!! I mean if somebody kissed me without me wanting them to I would b PISSED!! But she’s fine with it. SHe goes “Can’t we still just be friends?” I said omg no he kissed you and now he thinks yall go out!! Do you really think you can be friend after that?? She said she’ll never see him again so nothing will ever happen. He’s 18 and lives about 10 minutes away from us and her parents won’t let her date him!! I said why keep talking to him if you’re just going to start liking him more and torture yourself!! I said have you learned nothing from that other guy! God she’s so freakin stupid. But since she’s not mad about it I feel like I shouldn’t be mad about it but I am!! He shouldn’t have done that! A week and 1/2!! I mean jeez give me a break. SHe said he was making it seem like they went out because he kept kissing her hair and her hand and crap. I was just mad at her because she didn’t even tell him anything! She just kept pulling her hand away!! ugh idk I mean I guess I shouldn’t care but what kind of guy kisses a girl he’s only known for a week and 1/2. I just needed to vent….But yeah I guess I’ll stop being mad and pretend like I’m not mad at him for this. He text me last night and was like hi… He knows I know because he put those dots behind the hi. I pretended like it was normal and said hey what’s up. He goes nothin much you and I said nothin and that was it. Idk I mean I”m still mad about the other night because he was so disrespectful. Plus I’m PMSing so that’s another reason I’m so upset. It’s just I don’t get how we’re best friends and we’re so different!! All well…it’s her life and if she wants to keep talking to him and start liking him more I guess she can go for it…I just don’t want her to torture herself like that…

ANOTHER FRIENDSHIP DOWN THE DRAIN!!!!!

There you go. Another one down the drain because of her. First it was the guy I hate that she ruined because she just HAD to become friends with him. Then it was the first love guy because she just HAD to add him on myspace. Then it was the guy I call my best friend that she just HAD to start texting and now it’s that stalker guy who’s number she just HAD to have that she actually went through my phone to get his number while I was in the shower. He text me and said that he was having girl trouble with some girl that I didn’t know. WELL GUESS WHAT!!! It was my bff. I even ASKED if it was my bff and he said no it wasn’t that it was so and so. And she knew that but she “didn’t think he would send it”. ANOTHER FREAKIN GUY THAT I CAN’T TALK TO BECAUSE SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO RUIN IT!!!!!!! I’m so fucking pissed right now I’m shaking. I can’t STAND when people lie to me. I’m just ugh. She ruins every good friendship that I’ve ever had with a guy. I just ugh ugh ugh!!!!!WHY THE HELL CAN’T SHE GET HER OWN FREAKIN GUY FRIENDS!!!WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO TAKE MINE!!!AHHHHHHHH I WANT TO SCREAM BUT I CANT BECAUSE EVERYBODYS ASLEEP ALREAD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!