I need people to know something. I also need people to comment this because I need to know people read this or else I’m going to feel really stupid telling my deepest darkest secret. Ok here goes…I’ve cut myself 7 times. That’s my biggest secret in the world that absolutely nobody in the world knows. It just got to the point where it was unhandleable and I needed to do something. I tried it and it made me feel alot better. I didn’t do it deep or anything. I tried to get it only deep enough for it to feel good but not enough to make it scar. Well….it didn’t work. I have 5 scars on my leg. Those are the only ones that showed up. I’ve wanted to tell somebody but I didn’t want people to freak out and worry. I have the scars and I’m scared that one day somebody might see them and ask questions and I just don’t want to mess with that. I did them high enough that maybe people won’t ever see but I’m sure it’ll come out one day. I just needed to tell SOMEBODY that because about 5 minutes ago I almost did it again. I haven’t done it since early may because I stopped myself once I saw the scars. But I had the tool in my hand and had it on my skin and it was so hard to put it up. I never understood how people could cut themselves. I was like how can pain help? I’m just really glad I stopped myself this time. I don’t need a lecture on how it’s bad because I’ve given the lecture before. I even gave it after I had done it because I knew it was bad and I didn’t want other people to do it. I felt like such a hypocrite. I just needed to let that out. Please no judgement. I know right from wrong and I know that I shouldn’t do it and I pray that I won’t ever do it again.
Tags: family, friends, friendship, life, love, personal, random, relationships, scary, secrets, thoughts
July 6, 2008 at 7:37 am |
I don’t really know what else to say except for you to try and get help. Find other avenues you can do like a community center or a counselor if you’re too afraid to tell your family. Honestly, I think you’re on the right path and I’m sure you’ll overcome this self destructive behavior but you have to TRY to get out of it yourself. You have to OWN your problem and do something about it.
I’ve been through some self destructive points in my life as well and with me they come and go but if there’s anything I’ve learned after dealing with my own problems for the last 21 years, it’s that saying that you know what you’re doing is wrong is different from doing something about it.
In any case you’ve already taken the first step by recognizing the problem. Do your best to address it and I’m sure things will work out for you.
-F.D.
“”Only when you are in deep intimate relationship with life, does life open its heart to you. In that very opening one comes to know what truth is.”
July 6, 2008 at 8:31 am |
I guess the first thing I feel the need to say is that you are NOT alone.
There are many, myself included, who have gone through similar episodes of cutting to one degree or another. If you really want to stop, then I can only really offer you two pieces of advice:
1.) Look at your scars every single day and don’t think about the pain or what it did for you but about how that scar looks and whether you want any more. This worked for me and has worked every day since my last act of cutting back in 2004. I still sometimes feel the urge and so I write about it. That’s my outlet.
2.) If you have someone close to you that you really trust, tell them and tell them almost exactly the way you wrote this blog. It’s not as crazy as you think. The person you tell might freak out a little at first but if you talk to them about it, then you will have someone who will be there for you the next time you feel the urge.
I agree with F.D. that this blog post was a good step in the direction of getting it under control. It takes a lot of strength to face that first step and you’ve already done that.
July 6, 2008 at 4:37 pm |
Hello there…
I am not in the business of judging, so I won’t do it here!
This may come as a surprise to you, but I’m in my 30’s and still have the urge to cut. I did that back in my early 20’s…before anyone had really heard of “cutting”. I never knew anybody else did such things…I thought I was alone in my shame.
That is one thing you should be thankful for. Although many people still don’t, or won’t, understand…there are so many more that WILL! And there are resources for you too. You can find free help, and never have to tell anyone that you don’t want to.
I understand the lure of cutting. The release of internal pain, through physical pain. It is a seductive sensation. BUT, you are strong enough to overcome this. The fact that you are reaching out through this blog proves that.
F.D and Rain both gave you some good advice. Listen to it, try to incorporate it…and never forget that people…even strangers, like us…care. You are not alone in this!
Take care of yourself.